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Do I Contradict Myself?

by Nelson Walker

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1.
Memento Mori 04:01
I’m not waiting round for answers to fall down from the sky And I’m not running round in circles just to watch the world go by And you say the path is long and winding And you say the mountaintop is cold And you say your legs are tired of walking And you say you’re young and then you’re old I’m gonna take a boat downriver and paddle back upstream Rinse the sweat from off my body and lie amongst the leaves And you say the water’s flowing quickly And you say the day’s already done And you say the leaves are lately fallen And you say your fate can’t be out-(run) Oh, may there come a day when this eternal body fades away to feed a million bodies more And when the mold spreads through my skin and when the maggots burrow in I’ll nourish them with every rotting pore And I’m afraid to die but I will never die ‘cause nothing ever dies, you just transform And you say your fragile heart is beating And you say you’ll wither down to bones And you say the fallow light is waning And you say your grave is overgrown And you say God is a pine tree And you say the roots are burned to ash And you say after Autumn comes the Springtime And you say after Future comes the Past
2.
Adderall 02:34
the morning light feels like a wet bag of concrete stuffy air, tangled hair, sweating through my sheets I hit snooze six times before I gave up a parade of somniferous antithesis to who I wanna be such apathy! is it that my goals mean nothing to me? 'cause everything I strive for, every want and hope and dream and desire requires as an unavoidable prerequisite that I. get the fuck. out of bed. so then, it's 2pm and time for me to make breakfast but get this: I can't even get into my kitchen around the dishes that I've been piling up welp, I guess I'll put that off and go take a shower two. hours. later. I finally make it back downstairs ...staring at my phone I'll clean the kitchen tomorrow I'll clean the *whole house* tomorrow today is wasted so I'll probably stay up late watching 19 YouTube videos at once I need some Adderall or to live in a society which values my humanity over my productivity the possibility of intentionality is fundamentally irreconcilable with this internalization of the mechanicalization of the human race the machinations of billionaires and corporations the poison-laced pill that I've swallowed- I have to face it in myself before it hollows me out. so if I wanna sleep late... ...I'm damn well gonna
3.
Ribcage 04:50
Someone in my ribcage is banging the walls with a chair but we stopped talking years ago cross my heart and kick it into the gutter why won’t this ache leave me alone? Someone in my chest is dousing my lungs with gasoline and lighting up a cigarette You cross my mind, I’m breathless, intertwined and reckless, god I want it back Am I ready yet? Am I ready yet? Why can’t I stop these racing thoughts? What should I do? What do I want out of my time on this green rock? What if I’m just a fucking fraud? Why can’t I stop these racing thoughts? What if they’re true? What if I’m not worthy of ever finding love? What if I’m not? What if I’m- A glimpse of you, a passing mention of your name and I’ve swallowed a gallon of lead I want to sink into the floor, but every thought just tangles me up more Here it goes again, here we go again— Why can’t I stop these racing thoughts? What should I do? What do I want out of my time on this green rock? What if I’m just a fucking fraud? Why can’t I stop these racing thoughts? What if they’re true? What if I’m not worthy of ever finding love? What if I’m not? What if I’m- (and in the dark you'll learn to listen to your heartbeat)
4.
Elbow 04:06
I stepped out in the cold air I didn’t see you anywhere The silence pressing in on my ears I started walking home The music was too loud I nearly lost myself in the the crowd The violence of the space, it’s not my kind of place I really should’ve known… I know I’m fine without you But I feel so damn alone I don’t know where to find you But it sure as hell ain’t here— I slipped while walking home Lucky not to break my elbow Stumbled through the door, lay down on the floor
5.
Uncle Walt 03:27
I wanna be small and loud, I wanna be soft and strong I wanna be everything the patriarchy says is wrong I wanna dress like a punk, I wanna dress like your mom I look super hot in makeup, get it off. get it Off. Get It Off! GET IT OFFFFF! Do I contradict myself? [x4] I'm lightning in a bottle, I'm melting summer snow I'm ancient roots to baby trees, I'm growing nice and slow I'm so much sweeter than you could ever know I'm a delicate mountain flower, plug me into the mains and watch me glow! I just can't get my brain to focus on a single god damn thing Then I don't eat for days 'cause I'm too busy hyperfocusing I wanna be a rockstar but no-one's allowed to look at me I wanna be your domme, so tie me up and make me scream! Do I contradict myself? [x4] Who has done their day's work? Who wishes to walk with me? Will you speak before I am gone? Will you prove already too late? I just can't get my brain to focus on a single goddamn thing Then I don't eat for days 'cause I'm too busy hyperfocusing I wanna be a rockstar but no-one's allowed to look at me I wanna be your friend, but you people kill fags and queers. I just can't get my brain to focus on a single goddamn thing When the whole world is burning down to meet the deep-blue-rising-sea Please stop the ride! I wanna get off this apocalypse machine Are you fUCKing blind?! to the result of your hypocrisy? Do I contradict myself? [x4] [Chant] Fuck you! Love wins! Do I contradict myself.
6.
Paper Heart 02:15
I don't believe you when you tell me that you're doing fine that all this time you've been growing I don't believe you, I can see the burning edges of your paper heart The wax seal melting through the careful cursive script, the perfumed pages ripped The fact of the matter is: you're just as lost as everybody else. I don't believe you, but I love you, <3
7.
and it's in there, nothing to do can i chase it? got something to prove i can feel it fluttering inside now it's out there nowhere to hide and it's loping through the treetops and it's clambering across the blacktop if you see it, call it back around it may sting you, but it's happy to be found and it’s wonderful to walk around in circles oh and it’s wonderful to dance in spirals and it's difficult to read a person's lips and it's difficult to read your mind and i'm selfish and i'm dizzy and i'm colorful
8.
The foxes in the woods out back don't give a fuck They just roll around in the leaves and twigs and muck When did it all get so convoluted? When did we lose track of our evolution? I don't give a damn what's in your pants As long as you like music and holding hands We can lay in bed all morning staring at the ceiling Glittering fireflies in the evening So fuck the hegemony: let's have an orgasm! The robots in the financial district downtown Are spewing smoke and growing mold and breaking down But baby, I'm alive and I'm eradicating my vices I'm working out, and slowing down, and blowing up my electronic devices But the truth is I'm lonely, and the whole fucking world's on fire And I just wanna find some love before I die So I don't give a damn what's in your pants As long as you like music and holding hands We can lay in bed all morning staring at the ceiling Falling ash and embers in the evening No I don't give a damn what's in your pants As long as you play drums for local pop-punk bands We can lay in bed all morning staring at the ceiling Glittering fireflies in the evening So fuck the hegemony Fuck the hegemony, let's have an orgasm <3
9.
Sanctuary 08:17
all are welcome here there's no fear and no one will tell you how to dress all are welcome here come sit by me we can pass the time in silence or in loving conversation spinning round, round the sun, the sunlight streams in, innocence, sense of touch, oh, touch me, but only if i ask for it all have food to eat and get lots of sleep and if ever you get sick or hurt, we'll patch you up and make you well and all have community and love is free and everybody's body is imperfect and unique and holy dancing round, round the fire the firelit snow, drifting up to the moon, the yellow moon stares back at us and this could be our sanctuary, yeah this could be our sanctuary...

credits

released April 16, 2024

Nelson Walker - songwriting, vocals, guitars, electric bass, cello, rhodes, mandolin, engineering, production, mixing
Fitz Neeley - drums on all tracks except track 6
Bobby Knepper - pedal steel and additional engineering on tracks 1, 4, 9
Nicole Knorr - backing vocals on track 8
Luca Antonucci - trumpet on track 9

Mastered by Brad Smalling at Evergroove Studios in Evergreen, CO

Album art by Deng, Sin-Yu (鄧心瑀)

Funded in part by the EXCEL Enterprise Fund at the University of Michigan's School of Music, Theater, and Dance

Thanks to Evan Chambers and Jeremy Edwards for their mentorship and guidance throughout this process

Additional thanks to Hannah Boissonneault, Gala Flagello, Mike Avitabile, Nelson Gast, David Minnix, Paul Luckhoff, and Derek Rosenblatt

...and a GIGANTIC thanks to my parents, Bobby, and Nicole for their unwavering support and love throughout this process. I absolutely could not have done this without you. <3

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Nelson Walker Boulder, Colorado

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